i think i should set things right and clarify. i don't hate or dislike that when it's split up or taken apart. it's fine really, cos that's the general rule of all human beings. basically nice. but- as an entity as a whole, it sucks big time, and i'm still having trouble adapting to it.

i'm having trouble deleting contacts on msn. i don't know who to delete, and i feel bad when i do it actually. how ridiculous. why is there a need to feel sentimentality for something that's digital and isn't even living? but the problem is, there is someone living and breathing behind that user handle. what should i base my criteria on? the amount of time i talk to that person? the quality of the stuff we talk about? whether i'm still in contact with that person? the last time that person even came online? what, indeed.

and i realise, most probably it's gonna be who i'm talking to lots at the moment. of course there are some sentimentals which i won't touch. it's just 150 names. and they keep replacing each other based on who's in my life at the moment. i suppose 10 years down the road (if i even have the time to still use msn) most of my classmates won't be on my list anymore. or, i might set up another account. better still, technology will have improved and we won't be stuck with 150 measly ones.

isn't it just like friendship and the amount of time you can allocate to each? people replace each other in a priority list. you can't be close to too many people at a time. choosing one means sacrificing another. i suppose it's a painful decision you have to make, but then again no one really does it consciously. like, today, i'll spend 15 min with georgina... then half an hour with jack and i'll go run with the basketballers and have dinner with the interacters, no one does that. it's unconscious, i think. at different times of our life we change our prioties, and people originally close to us either get shelved, or passed on, for new people. don't think you can hold on to your friendships and make new ones too. ok, you probably can but they'll be diluted and watered down. my best friends in primary school are all acquaintances now.

i want to be famous next time. not necessarily rich, i don't mind of course, but i want to be famous. i want the whole world to know me for something or other. everyone will know me, and i'll be on everyone's minds. humans are a living cycle. it's a batch thing. 100 years down the road, who's gonna know who my dad is, or my CT, you know? except for that short span of time, that blink in the expanse of eternity, when those who interacted with them knew them. most people just die, and after awhile, those that knew them die too, and they'll be totally forgotten, just a name in your genealogy, perhaps. or just a statistic, a figure for recordssake. i want to be like hitler, like madonna, like einstein. someone that everyone will never forget, that will live on in people's minds for centuries to come. who knows due to what, and hopefully liufangbaishi and not yichouwannian, but you'll be seeing me in the papers 20 years from now, i promise.
quixoticka eulogized @ 9:21:00 pm