in addition to not knowing who i really am, i just found out that i'm only left with 2 days of holiday! (thank goodness 02 will give me another 3 more. but even then, as if i'd be in the mood to do any work at all.) and that i never really fit in with any group that i'm in. i mean, i try and try. but at the end, it all falls to naught yeah?

especially now with the eminent inclusion of titties/boobies, and various other shady characters, one of which though has been very nice and very cynically sarcastic which i find i'm having a rather huge attraction for, and which i wish could take our relationship higher up, i'm facing my possible extinction in the minds of others as well as the further exclusion of my already pathetic introverted self.

i mean like, god! i've been trying to change that for goodness knows when, but nothing ever changes.

i seriously seriously need a cca. my stint at attempting to be a jock didn't work out. too bad. i'll just have to be a faggot now. or worse still, an undercover agent in terms that were only in vogue in ri sec2 days, which some people took the chance to jibe at me behind my back when i was trying to find my niche. (what happened in the end? i just dwaddled back there to be forever seen in contempt. thank god for the few close friends i had there)

anyway, time for abstract thought of the day. don't you think popularity is such a vague, relative term? i may be popular to someone but unpopular to someone else. and that perception alone may influence someone's decision how they decide to treat you. in the end, you get a very dynamic mix that keeps shifting. very action-reaction thing. popularity is fleeting, no one ever stays popular for long.

keeping it real eh? how do you know i'm keeping it real, that i'm not pulling all of you in for one huge big ride, and i'm sniggering to myself in private? you don't. so don't assume you know everything about me, because i don't even know myself. ok hang on. this whole, life is one big huge mystery and we're all lost souls out there thing is getting abit old.

anyway, i like submerging myself into nostalgia. nostalgia. what a weird sounding word. if i'm not wrong it's greek, and made up of 2 words, and it's supposed to suggest pain. like the boxes and files i have of nittygritty knickknacks from my bittersweet 4 years. like the birthday card i got in sec4. like my drama2000 jap CD which i bought in, incidentally, 2000. it's filled of songs that seem to make me happy/sad at the same time. actually, 'most all jap songs have that whole melancholic thing going. i think it's to do with their language (who cares if i mostly don't understand anything, making my lowersec years at the moelc a waste of time, in which i could probably have up-ped my grades from 66.4 to 70 and save me the trauma of blasting gayvoice on liero). it just sounds like that. of course, having a rich culture can't hurt either (Even though it's slowly being eroded away) why do you think poets are mostly all sad people (fucking plath), and they mostly write sad things? (besides daffodils which in retrospect is quite silly) but i digress. all i can hope is,



dear friends, so long, wasulenai
quixoticka eulogized @ 12:57:00 am