yesterday was a pathetic day which just plain fizzled out. for the end of the term, the first term of jc, mind you. and of jc again, it was just fucking shitty.

the mood was tense, as bloom put it. which was true. the mood lighten-ers weren't around, and even the happy people were off-tangent. what's happening. then venezia, council meeting. what was the point of everything? and the thingie at aps house was so sad. (we should have another one). and to get shunned by someone. (not necessarily in a lovey-dovey wah i have a huuuuge crush on that person man, context). someone whom you thought was your friend. just to treat you like trash, like rubbish, after the whole process is over. when there is no more association. talk about hypocrisy, and not leaving yourself. hah.

anyway. i've made up my mind on 2 affairs.

firstly, i've decided that i want cancer willingly. hopefully it comes to me. and probably the sole reason, which is so overwhelming and threatening to kill me, is because of the damned dragon which has risen from the south china sea, and is coercing me into surrendering all my scraps of paper in primary colours that aren't green, red or yellow to it. before becoming a pig in china. to hell with you, and return to your secret societies with the hidden tattoos under your half buttoned obiang shirts.

secondly, i want both. after talking to john yesterday. you must want both equally. but wait, let me come up with a motive, a driving force first. i don't want a repetition of last time and make it tons time worse this time. and if i don't by then, i'll just back down.

and. i realise that no one really knows me for who i am. =) you come close here or there, but for each of you who do, there's the other sides you don't see. kaleidoscope indeed. tuh. it's like looking at the moon from the earth? you're so near, yet so far. and besides, the only side of moon ever shown to man is always only one side.

doesn't matter. i don't know myself either. what drives me, and what i want. maybe i'll find it all during this one week. i have to saturate myself. i keep dying in the middle of the term and all. it's no good. the stress is good but you can't just keep wearing out the engine continuously for ten weeks with friction without any oil to lubricate 'em. ah whatever. gonna immerse myself.

hmm. today's so many people's birthdays. happy birthday david, wc, and kevin.


quixoticka eulogized @ 11:54:00 am