it's about 1am when i first start typing this post. the past weekend has been totally unfruitful. i said i'd be doing my work. i did none at all, none at all. and at such a time too. my spirituality is nada. it's been more than a year. and my physicality.. let's not dwell on that anymore, shall we?

i like my immortal by evanescence. isn't it weird, who's the immortal in this case? the lyrics talk of the protagonist being the saver, and surely you do not save someone of an ethereal realm. it's very serene. very calm. i'm not sure if i prefer the radio/mtv version with the rockband chiming in at the very end. not sure if it adds to the effect of nostalgia or if it just destroys everything that's been built up before. i suppose maybe it's better? there must be some sort of contrast. that song's been on repeat for the past few days. it's very beautiful. and i can't stop getting attracted to its dignified sadness, nor its indignant recollections of the past.

council. in about 16 hours i'll know just where my destiny lies. do i shrivel up and die? or do i bloat and explode? what a simplistic sec3bio analogy. of course everything's different and more complicated now, what with zwitterions and other shit. but i wouldn't know about that, would i?

i suppose i've been very good at hiding certain things. and i'm not sure if i want to carry on with it. i guess it's better to. there's no point stopping anyway. what would be? i'm not your entertainment energizer bunny machine, nor am i your open tabloid ready for scrutiny and ridicule. no, i am not. these things are personal.

so it went from M to B to W to D? i think. those are the major ones, at least. you know, like F major, major? just that i don't know anyone called Fanny or Frasier.

i don't know what i want anymore. how can people be so happy in the face of adversity? shouldn't they be soaking up the pain of the moment, for that is only when we can feel truly dramatic and torturous about our own lives. know you are feeling the pain. and enjoy that you can feel the pain, and show the world. what's the use of being so strong.

i don't know what you want either. i'm rather befuddled, are you just going to throw away everything like that? all these years.

and (to another) you. how can you be so weak and so resilient at the same time? so mature and filled with so much naivete? if you think you've reached a sanctuary with a public figure, you're wrong. but i applaud certain other actions, yet frown upon them the very next instant? suffer the pain yourself. if you really think spreading the "love" around would be better, i may be wrong. but that's just a different way of handling things.

and (to yet another) you (though i doubt you'd ever read this). i really like you. think of all the effort, and all the sacrifices i've done. just so that you could be here with us. it probably wasn't the only factor, but i hope it contributed.

and to all of you out there, i fervently hope you don't judge me from what you read here. a lot of what you see is a cryptic, ambivalent mess. half of the time you'd interpret wrongly, making all our lives miserable. if you're ever unsure, just ask me. i may not be upfront, but i'll clear up any misunderstandings you may have.

the model he and she. it seems like a four year cycle, that began in sec2 maybe. got me in such a crappy time. my emotional faculties weren't fully developed then, yet so it wasn't that bad. Venereal Disease, all right. what's it now? Cable Lines? how ridiculously greedy and silly can i ever be. it was worse last time, actually come to think of it. it isn't what's up there. it's what's down there. and less. previosuly it was everything. but i got by it just fine.

give me my disease. give me my cancer. give me back my sanity.
quixoticka eulogized @ 1:25:00 am