well actually, what WAS i thinking? who did i think i was.

well that's ok. 2004 is THE year of failure. everything i embarked on just felt flat. so let's make a checklist. dirrty. kumar. linkinpark. napoleon. what comes next? will it be another drop? will it be barisan socialis next? then OverTime? then a pluralising singular letter suffix? hohoho.

it's a bloody eternally decreasing function lar! i'm just dropping further and further into the abyss. and in all honesty, i think an occasional wallow in selfpity is fine. you people all think you're so damn strong. like whoa i'm gonna live on man. like i'm gonna stand strong in the wind. the howling wind. and nothing will topple me. but what's wrong with whining once in a while? i don't do it all the time. stop imposing all your value judgements on me like how you think i'm weak just cos you're strong and i'm not. all of you. things are different for everyone. and looking at all of you, i really see nothing for you to feel shitty about. so there.

i empathise with all of you who didn't get the scholarship and know that you have the capability to. it isn't our fault that we were victims of downsizing (and for some of us, more than once). but sometimes life's like that. i mean, people say there's a reason for everything. ok so what's the reason now? that we won't get money to blow away so that we can learn the lesson of frugality? or so that we'd remain in our classes for some astronomical event to happen through the course of 2 years?

what? i can understand how not making it into council may be a blessing in disguise later on down the road, but not getting a scholarship? one that has no bond at all and just rewards you with free money and slightly more stress academically? one that appears (note the word appears) to be a better intellectual arena? and being denied that - how's that good?

the laws of Fate sure are weird.

i'll get over the humanities very quickly. it's just some other things. other things that involve relationships. and relating. that will hurt me and scar me forever. =) like i think mr booth said. experience destroys you. it strengthens you but it also beats you down.

sometimes i wonder why i'm doing the arts. i don't think i'm stupid. if i worked extremely hard i would do fine in science. i wouldn't be taking S papers, probably. at most math, but i'd still do ok. why am i doing arts? there are varieties of choice out there, yes. just abit more restricted in terms of being a doctor or an engineer. everything else is pretty much fair game. but it's so damn hard. the government gives us the illusion of more choices. humanities. sports schools. the like. but in the end, look at the grossly improportionate number of scholarships and opportunities offered to the Science students. DSTA. AStar. to name a few. the illusion of more choice is there, to prevent complaints of being too rigid in paths. but ultimately they're still subliminally telling us to take the "right route". there are many paths to take, but only one leads to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
quixoticka eulogized @ 11:52:00 pm