like a wide expanse of white snow, so is my slate of achievements. my uncle bobby once dug into snow before, and guess what he found?

dig into the snow and you'll find a corpse, a skeleton the closet.
 
what the hell possessed me to put on braces?
 
anyway, taking a mental stockcheck, i realise that i'm quite inundated with a backlog of work, from the various subjects. if it's not work/overdue work it's my not knowing anything about the subject and the fact that i've coasted through the past few months by sheer luck and acting. 
 
and there's the various sporadic commitments. i've also realised that my semi-apathy and pathetic lethargy and procrastination have resulted in my being totally fucked for my cca. looking at it now, i'm cursed to have to fight for a C, and be really blessed for a B. the apex of grades though, is far away. i have no idea how i'm going to do well for cca, really. i need some professional advice on this. screw PEARLS and its limitations. i don't know how i landed myself up in this mess. i really really wish i could rewind to go back to the start of this year and save my cca life. it is in utter shambles. i've never felt so helpless about something before.
 
moving on, i feel like i don't belong anymore. i am a peripheral ghost in 1a01e. i don't belong in the girly gang, i don't belong with the rambunctious ruggers, i don't belong in the archery alliance either. i have become, essentially, an outsider. through no fault of my own, but rather through the deepening of differences that were present but ignored before. now the divide is just so wide that people are inclined to bunch together now. and i can't just tell them, hey, please break up for the sake of me either. security of the group against the welfare of one. we were a large entity before, but now the rock has shattered through weathering, and i got the short end of the stick.
 
and empathy that goes "don't worry lar i'm in the same boat as you" really isn't helping. especially when i make a checklist and find out that actually, you're much better off than me.
 
no one cares about me anyway. those that used to, are either just too busy, or have stopped caring because my life and goals and views are incongruent with theirs. the counter'd just keep on counting and counting, people reading my rantings and laughing at my lamentations but they don't bother really. it's just about me, myself and i. i can't connect. i can't connect with people. my friends are few and far between. i've been called a "weirdo", a "dickhead", a "gay". i try to be myself, i try to be nice.
 
but evidently it isn't working at all.
 
i should kill myself. and then like a phoenix out of the ashes, something new will come, being reborn.
 
i lived as an idealistic boy 5 years ago. i had many dreams and wishes, and i romanticised how life would be in the future. now i see that none of it has been accomplished. and it's affecting me. those visions were never killed, merely quelled. but now the restraints cannot hold back for much more. they are all going to burst out. and they will consume me.
 
so, i'm disturbed. you got a problem with that? don't worry, i'm all in control actually. this all is just damned frustrating.

how strange, that i've traversed over so much snow, but come across nothing.


quixoticka eulogized @ 2:44:00 pm