well yes. i did less than you, definitely. it isn't my fault though that i couldn't come earlier. hur. but it hurts, it was just a reminder that you were always better than me. that i will always be a shadow in your presence. and i really didn't want you to turn up today. but you did. i can't prevent you from doing so, can i?

and all i wanted was just a bit of recognition.

i mean, just looking at it all, i ask myself and i wonder. wtf am i doing going to ri? is it even worth it? it's over. i'm no longer a student there. that book was closed like, 9 months ago in october. i should have just moved on, for constant wallowing in nostalgia is dangerous and unhealthy. i mean yeah thanks for that one-liner in the acknowledgements. i didn't expect it, really. but then again. that's not really what it is, is it? it was courtesy. i feel really unappreciated. so, i xun4se4 and pale in comparison. but still? i didn't see my name appear once in all those entries.

and all because i was searching for that forbidden fruit, which i can't believe actually existed! i had to come across a rude shock. everywhere i go, it was you this and you that. it'll always be like that i suppose. it's time for me to step out. somehow i find it so easy to step into my comfort zone, where its dark, where i can just bitch to you. but it's safe, and safety never reaped anything.

the kiddos are really funny people. they're damn porn also, but that's what being an ri boy was about. it reminded me of the shite i used to do and all the crapping around. sometimes i just wish that i could be part of them. not standing from afar, looking on and giving occasional input that looks like i'm waxing dramatic. i feel old, really i do. old and useless.

and i don't want to feel old. it's disgusting, almost like a pervert. you know, like a paedophile or something, that leers on. not wanting literal meat per se, although its hard to draw the distinction in some people's cases. but rather to retain that youth and vigour. i feel like a haggard whore these days. it's so funny how one year makes so much difference.

why did SARS have to happen? it robbed me, and us of so many things. a normal life, i suppose. it saved me academically but yet it destroyed my memories. potential ones, rather. putting so much into hoping for a wonderful last year. and now it has come to this. i have to live like this. vicariously, through this. my life, in their lives. postponed? maybe. lengthened? i don't know.

is it a blessing or a curse that rj is moving to bishan next year? somehow, maybe it isn't right to be so close to it anymore. i mean it really depends right. which is stronger. the allure of bishan or the rj doldrums. if it's the former, then that means life would be so much easier to bear in my last year of structured academia. if it's the latter then it means that i've been royally duped, and that i've spread my shitty present into my past, marring my memories when they're mingled with the potential future present.

haha. this is so, so, sad.

quixoticka eulogized @ 2:10:00 am