i guess this comeback was inevitable. i needed to return to make my peace, say my piece and get it over and done with. there are just so many things i need to address but i don't really know how or where to start. anyway. each section is referring to a different person/event so don't mix them up thinking that i'm schizophrenic or something.

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perhaps i should begin with this. i feel like such a coward. such a freaking huge coward. in retrospect, my attitude towards it all was so childish even though i was justified at certain times. and now i'm just stuck so bad i can't turn back. it's so freaking awkward. what is 3 years of uber-close friendship compared to that with a third party whom we barely know. it isn't worth it. and i feel like i'm being played now, so everything was just an unnecessary waste of time.

and i was so acerbic, so rude. undeservedly. there was no need for it. but i just had to. i always have to be the obstinate one who has to keep up appearances of a fight. i'm a dramatic person. i don't like the drama to end. i rather it go on and on rather than us being all one big happy family.

they say friendship is strengthened by tribulations. i'm not sure if this will be an exception to the rule. there is only so much before breaking point. everyday, i check and look. just to make sure that things aren't totally over between us. but i never dare to click and say "hi", or call that familiar number i've dialed so many times. 2 months, i've survived with the knowledge that i don't actually need you or any specific person in my life to continue living. but it isn't right. it can't just be dumped like that. and i don't want it to be either. i don't know where this will go. i wish we could talk again, i have so much to tell you.

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i've never actively wished death onto someone in a very long while. you with your fake eyelids. you with the condescending, uninspiring attitude. yes, you. what would you know about my project work contributions when you're not my teacher? that was just plain uninformed and rude. you betrayed your lack of proper thought processes. just because someone takes a longer time to acquiescence to your whimsical hissy fits doesn't mean they're guilty or in the wrong. you villify them and make them apologize to you to feed your hungry desire for people to bow down to you.

i've had it up to here with your ridiculous assertions and assumptions about people. nothing i ever do is ever enough for you either. it's always "not putting enough effort". i put in much more effort for your silly area of jurisdiction that attempts to be both wishy washy and firm at the same time. tccch. i can't stand your blinded biased attitude either. but i won't resort to name-calling. i haven't. all i've done is bring to light all your crimes, and more which i have missed, to me and my friends.

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i'm confused by you. i thought i dropped you already. when i was supposed to drop you. it's been a few years yet you still capture my heart just like before. surely you can't be that stupid. surely you know that i do feel for you, or do you just pretend you don't, or ignore that fact.

you give me signals that contradict what you sell yourself as. both me and to others. and that term of affection that seems innocuous both before and now. yeah, they meant something different before but that doesn't change the fact that there's something. or are you just unable to drop the days of happy family and let slip them, in occasional freudian slips to those who were involved?

you are probably my longest lasting crush.

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hah, but then i have to see you. of about a year. we have a strong connection, i feel. but there's probably nothing really to it, maybe. i don't know. you won't think of me in that way anyhow. and i don't really think of you like that too. but still, just a thought of what could be. but i don't want to go down that path of bleh blah boom bah relationships that end up with both parties hating each other, V2.0

we already have one of that, we don't need another.

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i am pleased and displeased at my promo results. math, half the history essays done, othello and PC essays, econs mcq and essays were all disappointing to say the least. whereas gp, the other half of my history essays, silas marner essay, econs drq and case study were more satisfactory.

amogh made reference to my sec2 experience, when i still managed to take 9 subjects even though in previous years it would have been almost impossible to. but i can't keep getting lucky all the time. wonders don't occur everytime you need them. and i've been going downhill all the way this year anyway.

of course i hope i'll be lucky. everyone wants to believe in a miracle. there is still hope, i guess. there's a chance still there. i haven't gone down fighting. it ain't over till it's over. that is, the final lit S paper exam.

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i don't think i'm a team player. actually i am, when everyone's playing my way. i think i've been too overbearing in pw. can't really fault me though. i think i'm the most passioned in the group about it. i don't know what would happen to it without me, honestly.

i'm looking forward to the holidays. making a list of things to do. for once i shall be organised about it.

quixoticka eulogized @ 11:53:00 pm