in retrospect, (even reflecting on events the day before is counted as retrospect, like how kelly talks about waking up in the middle of the night with the perfect comeback but it's too late, it's too late..) i think that it's ok.

i can take this, i could always take it. i'm satisfied with life i suppose. i'm easily satisfied. but wait. am i satisfied or am i just too lazy to find something new? there comes a point in time where you just numb yourself to everything, and take whatever that comes.. you know? what will be, will be. what happened recently only did because i allowed it to. am i just deluding myself about that? maybe that was the first time the dam actually leaked, and me never experiencing that won't know if it's an illusion or not. maybe i'm not that strong after all.

my mind always thinks of the shoulda woulda couldas of life, and how things would be so much better. like there are a thousand and one pretty scenarios, but seriously, whose life is ever that picture perfect? and that's all fertile imagination, material fit for novels and epics. talking about epics, i want to read middlesex! but missy has hijacked it first.

and i want nice dress shoes. those decorative, flat-soled ones that you can walk around in (DUH) and not run. not running shoes! got enough of those already. just want some nice chio shoes. saw quite a few already, but need the $$$.

i don't understand how some people can be so.. nasty and abhorrent. but that's the way the chips fall, i guess. luck always played a very huge factor in my life. not to (dis)credit my own effort, but i think the higher being(s) up there were really gracious in the way my life played out. not that it couldn't be better. in fact, it could be much better. but it also could have been much worse.

at times i feel so. normal that it scares me. but why should being normal be anything wrong? yet at other times i just feel like a fucking sore thumb, but likewise, what's wrong with being unique and different. hell yeah, i sure am different.

being different. and being yourself. somehow these two concepts overlap but i'm not sure if they're meant to have the same desired effect. being different at best, makes you a novelty. at worst, it makes you a laughingstock. being yourself however, is something that should gain you respect from others. until that's merged with being different.

we've got to learn that just saying "oh screw the world, i'm gonna do my own thing" is not a very wise choice because the fact is that we ARE human and humans ARE societal creatures. no man is an island, and we do need approval, we do need acceptance and we do need to take heed of what others feel and think because whilst we do live for ourselves, we very much live for those around us as well.

would you go walking around naked even though it was "yourself" (and at the same time, "different") to go au naturel?

with that said, people don't really give others chances. which is why i do approve of people who had the courage to break away to forge something new for themselves. because they knew they were in for it if they stayed on. people like bernard, or deborah. observing school now, i don't think it was a very prudent decision for certain individuals (both in my batch and the junior batch) to come to rjc. there is just too much stigma involved that cannot be washed away. maybe they were confident of themselves, that they could change things, or that they could tough it out for two years. but it seems rather foolhardy. they could have had a much easier time somewhere else. of course, this is singapore so wherever you go won't really help, since it's much easier for stuff to travel from bishan to buona vista as compared to newjersey and newyork. but every little bit counts.

i'm not really sure what i'm getting at. there are so many things, life offers so many things. but there's too little time. life is short. we just go through the weekly routine and boom! i'm already done with one month of school. now there's only10 more months and soon it'll be hastalavistasayounarawhateviagoodbyesuckers!

and then the world awaits. i can't wait to be in the army, actually. seems like it'll be fun.

in that case, i should go for a run.

quixoticka eulogized @ 3:23:00 pm