in about a month, i will turn eighteen.

and i am feeling ennui, stronger than ever before.

it's funny, it really is. because i used to be so angsty (and maybe i still am now, but it's all controlled), about everything that happened. but that's being a teenager for you. everything about the world is crap and we have to go against it. i was always unhappy with things. that isn't to say i'm not unhappy anymore. but i guess after awhile we just lose that youthful drive that we had. everything dissipating into a pfft.

and here i am typing away, feeling ennui.

it's a terrible feeling, because adoloscent-teenage years are supposed to be characterized by angst. and i'm not sure which is worse to have, actually. because ennui is supposed to be something middle-aged people feel, when they're going through a mid-life crisis. and even though angst is bad, it is NATURAL for a teenager to feel that.

but then again, i'm not really a teenager anymore. 18 means clubbing. 18 means passionofthechrist and alexander. 18 means 3 times 6. 18 means NS. 18 means legal alcohol purchase. 18 means, young adult.

and therefore, it is another transition period. which also means time to take stock. it is the tail end of being a teenager. my dying days are arriving, my sunset hours. they are full of sadness for the time i spent sleeping in the sun. it is like going to the beach at 11am and falling asleep after lunch - only waking up at 7pm, when the rays are retracting, when everyone is tired but happy, going home. you're ready for some fun, but everyone's had enough of it already.

i think teenagers actually have the best lives possible. youth is wasted on the young, they say. and i agree. so many things can be done whilst being a youth, and many just while it off or live in not as productive a way they could have lived.

i keep having the same recurring dreams. daydreams. dreams that'll never be fulfilled i suppose. life should be about experience. but there's so many things i've not experienced. life was wasted. dreams since a long time ago, it was all planned out. but plans never work out. every year telling myself things will be better, things will be better.

i guess i only have to blame myself, in essence. not to say that there weren't anything good that came out of these 5-6 years, that i didn't have anything to be proud of. it just seems like mush, like nothing when put next to so many other people. and when someone says not to compare with others our achievements and goals, that was just a lie to make themselves feel good about themselves - for what is a measure if not standardised?

so, with myself being almost 18. what kind of birthday wish should i make? should i wish for you to give me a kiss? should i wish for good results for CT1? should i wish to pass napfa finally? should i wish that all my broken connections and bridges be rebuilt?

none of those - i just want my remaining years of teenagehood to be productitive and meaningful. even though people are leaving the beach and getting changed, there's still the barbecue. there's still the campfires and the ghost stories. there's still dancing in the moonlight. there will be silent walks down the shore barefoot with the swishswishswish of the water lapping at our feet, hand-in-hand, reflecting on how the day was spent in fun. not meaningless fun mind you. we caught fish, we rode our bikes, we swam in the sea and played volleyball. and all that lying in the sun means a good enough tan, so at least it wasn't that bad. although something else could have been done whilst tanning, we live to see another day and another cycle.

it was a shame though - today's weather had the best forecast for the week, in the 7 ages of Man.

http://www.learnenglish.org.uk/stories/poem_act/seven_ages.html

quixoticka eulogized @ 9:18:00 pm