there's this feeling of not being anywhere. i'm not flying high in the sky, i'm not in the depths of darkness. i'm just.. lost. in the middle of the ocean. sounds like such a cliche doesn't it, but it's true. i feel like i'm just alternately flailing and floating in this huge body of water and in the distance i see land. and then i turn my head and i see land again in another direction. and i don't know which way i want to swim because even though they seem like there might be some kind of civilisation there, i do see the rocks. that are much clearer. sharper. harder. bigger. huge jagged rocks against the vague outline of buildings and the boardwalk. and i'm reminded of gatacca. something about not swimming back.. gotta swim all the way, all the way.. no turning back, because there is no turning back. and if you realise that one side is crap.. there is no more strength to swim to the other end. finito.

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valentine's was really stupid yet really sweet in some ways. i don't want to expound on it.

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today cheng chai told me i have dead eyes. it was kinda like a whatthefuck moment (especially for an actor) yet i wasn't surprised. because i'd been hit by that twice before earlier this year - first by nasty, then by beng. and so i was used to it. but well, knowing something's going to or might happen doesn't lessen the blow or the pain. knowing a tree is going to fall on you - can you actually muster up the zen effort to say it will be nothing to me? it wouldn't work, and it'd be self-delusion.

sticks and stones may break my bones but words will always hurt me.

i don't hold it against them actually, because it is true. i do have dead eyes. but then when i think about it again, it's not like i always had them. i used to be more alive. i used to have more vigour. more passion. more.. life. so in effect, i am a living zombie now. that goes through the motions of life. and i suppose perhaps, my emotions are all forced. it's like a little churning in me. that i have to push out. i wouldn't say that i've lost my capacity to live life like a how a real person should be. i hope so, anyway. i hope it hasn't evaporated and dissipated like perfume. something that can't be reclaimed. rather, that it is merely suppressed, lost in the recesses of my being.

i should heed woochiao's advice, and find some sort of direction in life. it's so easy to get lost in a big school with many people. should i be bitter that i've been robbed of myself? does the victim of a robbery blame the robber that lurked in the dark and made off with the goods without a warning, hurting him in the process, especially when the victim chose to walk in the fucking backalley thinking his selfdefence lessons would be useful? no - that would be hypocritical. all that he can do is choose the route he walks by more carefully the next time around.

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hc dramafest. what's there to say? i thought the plays got progressively better like an exponential curve, and the climax of "you and i always and forever" was the asymptote of the night. ok, i can honestly say that only top tier students talk like that. like equating one's life to a freaking sin graph. or using some natural phenomenon as an anology. like our love being a process of photosynthesis. multi-disciplinary liao lor. mix science and maths with literature and humanities liao lor. and i digress.

highlights of thursday night, most being drama faux pas that were just so ridiculous it was funny:
-the surplus of hot people which wc, zul and i were pleasantly surprised at.
-making incessant LOUD rude comments about the first 3 plays skits put up.
-having the rest of the audience joining in which took away the guilt. somewhat.
-roxy whore!
-people that wore the same clothes for ten days in a row and subsequently three years later.
-corpses that could move by themselves.
-blood that appears before a cut is made. (hmm, maybe there's a subtle message about stigmata!)
-the toy gun with its toy click.
-interesting choreography in bollywood spoof (how does one spoof something already so silly?)
-funny retarded boys in all 4 performances.
-a 40min play worth the 5bucks, and more.
-bobbert and bibianna. what a cute love scene. and then my heart fluttered for a moment.
-bern! best showing ever.

i guess all that made up for like a wasted hour or so of time. if anything, i guess that outing to hc spurred the cast to do better than that. and they can.

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i miss you. simpler words than i love you. they invoke less complex connotations. well, they can always be used interchangeably, but i guess the former is a subset of the latter.

i miss _ _ _ _ _ _ and _ _ _ _ _ _ _ . and for once, 6 letters means more than 7 to me.

anyone wanna play hangman?
quixoticka eulogized @ 7:26:00 pm