camp yesterday, glad everyone found the treasure hunt fun. was feeling kinda 'emo' to put it in liyana's words cos i thought the camp was quite disappointing and fell from expectations. after that kind of mental work and effort put in, it gets frustrating when only half to 3/4 of the people turn up, and people get missing because of things like daisy auditions that cause the originally planned 6 groups to be downsized to 4. and yeah, to rush to school in a taxi when like the group is so small with only 4 people including me was a downer too. guess it is heartening when you find that people think your item is the highlight (then again there wasn't much competition) and that all of it wasn't a waste of time in the end. lots of things that could be done on saturday.

firas' party was an interesting experience. his house is big and nice. and -rich-. what with the pool and pool table and smoke machine with disco lights. hurhur. and standing at one side watching the ruggers continually dunk each other in the pool. and the food was good too. there was even piped music into the toilet. the house was mechanised with automated window blinds, etc. and a nice koi pond. ok, i wish i were rich as him. haha. although that's kinda impossible. at the moment anyway.

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i miss the days of old, of mindless times like orientation camps and npcc, where everyone was supposed to have no sense of identity except to a larger consciousness, and there was no time to think. just lots of physicality and "knock it down" and "who belong to this" and really retarded shit like cheers and songs and the like. where one could just let the motions take over, with an excuse. it was sanctioned stupidity, and one could indulge in it with a "purple light" (which i thought was a damn gay cheer man, not just cos of the colour) or the sad love ballad of the private and the girlfriend and the girlfriend-pinching (in more ways than one) sergeant. sure took your mind off lots of things.

there's no more luxury these days, there's an overabundance of time to think and think about things. and one moves from a lack of individuality to the other end of the spectrum that celebrates it, of drama. i like drama actually, i guess both that and being in a uniform group last time gave me a sense of balance. now there's an imbalance, maybe i should have just stayed on in fencing, needed the lactic acid.

actually come to think of it, one loses one's sense of identity in drama too, when one takes on a new role. the only difference is that it means becoming someone else totally whilst being in a uniformed group retained a shred of yourself after being assimilated into a much larger body. you were aware you existed, but only for the glorification of something else. guess i (to the chargin and horror of some people i'm sure) can't wait to enter NS. back to the days of brainless brawn.

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birthday tomorrow, camy already said that nothing's gonna happen then, but that doesn't mean that it won't on another day. so i'm expecting a quiet ageing, just like any other day. so sad right, for a landmark year. haha. dad's not even around, so we won't be celebrating my birthday until he comes back, and that'd be together with my brother (who shares his birthday with kev and wooch. what a commonday! tsk. then again i know like 3 other people who share their birthdays with me so..)

if one were to be cynical, there's really nothing to be happy about birthdays at all. it's merely a commemorative anniversary of the day you were dragged forcefully from God-knows-where (literally) into this shithole. or maybe if you wanted to be snidely positive, it's expressing felicitations for surviving another year through all the crap! now how cool is that! i don't even know what i want for a present anyway. materialistically, i think i'm quite satified with what i have, even after experiencing sheer extravagance firsthand last night. i need something more intangible. hah.

i guess i was kinda disappointed you know, it would have been nice to be able to spend it with someone. haha and at the same time being a great present. but it's ok. a part of me really wanted an affirmative, and another part was fearful of the unknown consequences should i get that. but well. can't do anything about it, can i?

wait. i've realised what i want already. i want a birthday greeting from someone that most probably won't come. that's all i ask for, really. is it too much to ask for?

beauty queen jaded teen of only eighteen-
quixoticka eulogized @ 11:16:00 pm