[ETA] at taka today, my dad told me out of the blue that i could buy anything i wanted from kino whilst we were walking towards it, cos my brother was inside. imagine my surprise when i saw hitchikers guide to the galaxy in an omnibus edition with all 5 parts inside, within a minute of stepping in! i picked it up promptly. dad remarked, "this was when i was around your age!"[/ETA]

this has been quite a whirlwind week. i needed the craziness considering the trend of how i always feel recharged and fresh at the beginning of each term and start to lose steam by the time i reach week5 or so and then i'm just hanging on and going through all the motions by the time week9 rolls by. i'm really thankful the holidays are here, even if it doesn't mean much rest!

i've also experienced the best and worst birthday i could ever have. cartel, secret recipe, thai express, nydc, ajisen and genghiskhan throughout the week. quite a number of unexpected and/or really sweet gestures from people that i didn't expect! ok what the hell am i talking about, obviously it'd be unexpected then right. or not in such a great magnitude then. like you only expect a certain amount from someone but it actually amounted to more than that. =)

and oh yes, i did get my desired birthdaygreeting from desired person, taking me by surprise. although it wasn't exactly voluntarily. like someone had to give a reminder. and it came pretty belated, but so what? i got it, i guess that's all that matters. =)

anyway, i think if you're not serious about something you shouldn't give someone the impression that you are, and lead them on thinking that way. it isn't fair. they keep anticipating something to occur, and then, nothing. and this is in reference to two groups of people actually. i'm really quite disappointed. i should have seen it coming though. silly. don't even talk about it.

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gp commontest. quite funny, what with the adam and steve shit. and i think steve is a damn gay name anyway, but i digress. as lynn called me a telephiliac, i chose the easy path and defended today's wide range of tv gems like survivor and wisteria lane's repressed (and surprisingly hot) 40somethings instead of talking about exercise being the modern path to nirvana or tsunamis rocking religious beliefs. and the hall was so freaking cold! madness. i was turning off by the time i reached the AQ for compre, so i wrote about a measly page for it and ended it off abruptly whilst bitching about stupid US policies with an incongruent "how annoying". talk about double entendres.

i can't believe i wasted my saturday heading down to the top university in singapore, where you can take many different "com-bind-nations" in the various "fuckleties" in a truly! exciting! environment! yes, that's what the prof was drilling into our minds for 45min, and there was hardly a mention of how to enter the darned place. interesting, since the talk was by "the school of admissions". if anything, it's inspired me not to go there. i guess i could take going there, but i would much rather not. the place is really huge but crumbly and crummy. if mountsinaicampus was old, this was ancient! MSC had its own quiet charm but here you felt like you were lost in a huge leery labyrinth. haha and aparna had to direct hadri and i to the correct place cos we were lost in the chinese library section or something.

that night - i'd never felt so safe and secure and loved before.

that other night - bitching session run mostly by one person, a revealing conversation that was rather heart2heart i felt, and madcap midnight manic misadventures.. that made you go "sorry, did that just happen?" after everything'd died down, culminating in an anti-climax. so tired, so tired. and it's like a dream that i'm not even sure happened. my life is changing again. at the risk of spoofing mariah (a joke herself), this could be the emancipation of mikey.

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Was I out of my head?
Was I out of my mind?

i'm really sorry if you feel like shit, i didn't want it to happen that way either. but i guess it just did. and it's over. i know you'd like me to but i can't just chuck it aside and act as though it never happened either. how do you ignore something so big? something so landmark and major. maybe not for you but for me. you're not the only one who feels terrible alrite.

Don't matter what I say only what I do
I never mean to do bad things to you
So quiet but I finally woke up
If you're sad then it's time you spoke up too

you could pretend, but then there'd no real closure to it. and i need that, please give me that. just the acknowledgement of that. what is life, if memories are to be thumbed down and attempted to be forgotten. that's not really real is it. it's both the good and the notsogood, not just the former. existence and experience only make sense when there's both. owners of closets that contain skeletons still need to remember that they're there, so that they don't get shocked whenever maintainence of memory happens. telling yourself that it isn't there doesn't mean it's not there. it's just like the cliched mythical ostrich mentality that it holds, that hiding one's head in the sand means it can't be seen. delusion.

You know there's always more than one way
To say exactly what you mean to say

i still miss you, nevertheless.

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quixoticka eulogized @ 4:34:00 pm